Edward and all those females!
by twilightedheart
Summary: This is written purely out of amusement. Let's just say that Edward fudged the truth a little when he told Bella only Tanya showed preference for him, when really all of them did. The weird and wacky things vampires do when they want love.
1. The set up!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Yes, sadly...**

**Yeah, I needed a break from my other story "Rebuilding the Mind". It was so depressing that I needed to write another story that was a bit lighter. This is just a collection of the weird things the Denali coven did to get Edward and the also weird things the Cullen family did to hook up Edward. **

* * *

The cool Alaskan air bit into my senses, making everything have a sharp icy quality. Unfortunately, that was a bad thing.

I sighed. All females were the same; lustful, stubborn, and so hormonal. It was almost revolting listening to their thoughts. Even century old vampires still act like young teenagers. It was almost funny, if the thoughts were directed on someone else, someone other than me.

_Edward Cullen… Wow, what I would give to have him._ I shuddered at the thought. I peeked out of the corner of my eye at a strawberry blond whose name was Tanya. So this was the person who was tainting my mind with disturbing images. I quickly walked out of the living room and almost lost my balance from my disgust.

My mind was flooded with disturbing images again, and I looked around and saw two other female vampires; their names were Kate and Irina. Each time I took a step they took a step. Were they slowly following me or…stalking me?

I sighed a frustrated sigh. How is it that I got a whole coven of female vampires to stalk me? I don't even remember saying anything to them other than usual small talk.

I picked up my pace and ran as fast as I can. They quickly fell behind. I caught their disappointed thoughts as I slowly ran out of sight.

I looked backward just to make sure my fan club was gone, then I resumed to my normal stride.

I quietly walked toward the tiny ice igloo that Emmett and Jasper was building. It was in its early stages, so it look more like a circular wall. Alice was sitting daintily on the side of it.

_Edward is coming… Gotta hurry…_

It was Emmett. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously; Emmett was going to try something.

"Hi Edward!" Alice jumped off the side lightly and ran over to me; her mouth was curved at the edges as if she was trying to not smile.

_Edward is going to be so freaked out!_

I smiled darkly, "Hello, Alice. I know you're hiding something, so why don't you-?"

WHAM! A ball of mush slammed into my face. I grinned, so this is what Emmett was planning.

My hands quickly formed a cold pile of snow and I launched it at Emmett with all of my might. He dodged it neatly and launched another.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper flinging snowballs at me, then there was Alice, who was grinning evilly at me. She too joined the snowball fight.

I clenched my teeth. Dammit. I was getting ambushed. I groped wildly threw the thick haze of snowballs. The blizzard was so thick that it was obscuring my vision. I randomly fired snowballs in every direction. Suddenly it all stopped.

Before I could move a pair of hands grabbed me from behind. My eyes widened.

"Emmett!" I yelled while struggling in his steely grasp. "What the hell are you doing?"

My response was an evil laugh that sounded like "MUA HA HA HA!" Before I knew it more pairs of hands grabbed me.

I looked wildly at Emmett, Jasper, and Alice, who were now carrying me toward the main house. I struggled in their grasps, but I couldn't break out of it. Then I looked into Emmett's mind.

_Everything is set, and Tanya should be in the-Oh no! Was he reading my mind?_

My face turned grim, this wasn't another futile attempt to give Tanya satisfaction was it?

The bedroom was getting nearer and nearer. Now I was panicking. There was only one thing left to do now…

I twisted my face toward Emmett and sank my teeth into his hard skin. He yelped in pain was a tiny chunk of his skin came off. His hands released me.

I twisted around again, ready to bite through anything to avoid this. I snapped my teeth against Alice's hands, but Jasper growled a warning at me. Then they threw me at the door.

I crashed threw the door, leaving a very wide hole in it. I tumbled onto the floor and finally opened my eyes.

"Oh no…" I moaned. It was the bedroom, and there was Tanya on the bed.

She appeared to be startled at my noisy appearance, but then she quickly changed her shocked expression into a flirtatious one. I gagged at her thoughts.

"Hello Edward." Her voice was too high and fake. I looked around trying to plan my escape. I went for the damaged door, but Emmett and Jasper were blocking it.

My eyes caught sight of the window, and I ran for it. Damn… Alice and Rosalie were blocking it. There was no escape.

Tanya was approaching me, her eyes wide and full of excitement. The nauseating images in her mind were drowning me. I braced myself.

The house was soon full of my screams.


	2. Cat Fight!

**BWA HA HA HA! I am so evil to Edward. I'm terribly sorry Edward! **

* * *

"That was so hilarious!" 

I glared at Emmett; it was he who put me through this torture. It was all his idea. He had come up with this diabolical plan and persuaded the others to help me.

Jasper was next to him. His shoulders were shaking in laughter. Suddenly everything felt really funny and giddy. I almost started to laugh until I realized that it was Jasper's power that influencing me to do so. I immediately twisted my face into a scowl.

Alice's giggles sounded like wind chimes as she gasped, "Edward-I-never. (Huge burst of laughter). Knew-you-screamed-like-a-girl!"

I growled at them. How cruel my family was! How evil they were!

"That wasn't funny…" I said through my clenched teeth. I glared at my family, hoping they would stop laughing. They didn't, instead they laughed even louder.

Rosalie finally calmed down enough to talk. "Come on Edward. It was funny! You were screaming when she just wanted to ask you something!"

Alice joined in. "Did you see her face when he started to scream? She was horrified!"

They each squealed with laughter over and over again while Jasper and Emmett were on their back laughing.

If I could blush I would be beet red.

Well…maybe I did overreact a little. But how was I supposed to know? Her thoughts were so nauseating that I guess I misinterpreted them. How was I supposed to know she was just asking me if I wanted to go hunting with her when her thoughts were the complete opposite?!

Besides, I bet she was going to sexually harass me if Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie weren't watching like a pack of wolves. Her mind said it all. She really wanted to rape me in front of everyone, except somehow she kept her actions in control. I shuddered again. Tanya's mental images burned. My mind will never again be clean again.

I stiffly walked out of the room; my hands were in tight fists. I wanted to punch someone. I hoped that Esme and Carlisle would understand my longing to rip out Emmett's throat. How does he come up with things like this?

I was outside now. I felt strangely relaxed all of the sudden. Maybe it was because I was going to kill Emmett today, or perhaps the strain of the embarrassing incident was gone. Whatever it was, I was glad. I was glad that I finally had some peace, until I saw disturbing pictures of me.

I whipped my head at the source of the grueling pictures. It was Kate, the red head. I tried to close my mind, but the thoughts were so loud! I shook my head, trying to dispel the thoughts that were shouting down at me. So much for peace.

_Well, I guess he turned down Tanya. Maybe he would prefer a redhead?_

I turned my head at the thought, Kate was closer to me now, probably only a few feet. I groaned. Just what I needed… I wondered where my other stalker went…

"Hey Edward…" Crap. I thought too soon.

I turned my head hesitantly to the other side, and there was Irina. She tossed her hair in the wind, trying to impress me, I guess, when really I thought she looked kind of stupid.

_Crap! There's Irina! She's trying to steal Edward away from me!_ Kate was growling inside her head. I quickly got out of the way, sensing something was going to happen.

I was right. At that moment Kate pounced on Irina, snarling like a feral animal. Irina pushed Kate back and punched her in the stomach. I almost imagined that they would start to grow cat claws. It was a cat fight…over me.

The sight of these two fighting over me was really funny, in fact so funny that it was prudent that I laugh. I'm hardly some lottery prize, and I don't know where they got the idea that I showed any preference for them.

I walked away again still laughing. Life was funny, or rather, existence was funny.

But not for long… Two words, evil Alice.


	3. Tricked again!

**I couldn't resist! Had to write what poor Edward will be going through! More torture for Edward!**

* * *

I should've known something was up when I saw Jasper grinning at me like that. I should've, but I didn't, and that was my mistake.

That night when I was playing the piano (the Denali coven graciously brought me one so I would be able to practice), Jasper decided to drop by to see what I was doing.

I wasn't even aware that he was standing right next to me; I was so absorbed as I fixed Mozart's Fantasia in D minor. I was surprised that the human editors didn't detect any of those tiny errors. I smiled at the revised edition that included a lot more trills and extra notes. If only Mozart was a vampire, then his music would've been a lot better.

My fingers slid over the ivory keys and pressed each key lightly and delicately. The music flowed into my ears and I smiled. I was in bliss, until Jasper's annoying thoughts snapped me out of my little heaven.

_Look at him; he looks like he's having a peaceful seizure. I never knew you had to wiggle your body like that when you played piano._

I scowled at him and stopped. My temper rose a little; didn't he see that I was in the middle of a huge spark of genius?

"What do you want Jasper?" I frowned at him. That smile of his was a bit too excited. I better take a look in his mind.

_Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete…_ Darn. He was blocking me with the Spanish number system.

"Emmett did something to your room." Jasper said, _As well as Alice and me, but he doesn't need to know that._

I raised an eyebrow. "Jasper, did you forget that I can read minds? I just heard everything you said."

He just stared at me with that creepy smile. I sighed; Emmett and his stupid pranks.

I grudgingly stepped away from the piano; wishing wistfully that I was still playing that Fantasia. Then I trudged up the stairs, my fury growing when I realized that I forgot my sudden spark of creativeness.

"Emmett!" I shouted. "This better be worth my time!"

Silence was my reply. So he was ignoring me now eh?

The door to my room was ajar. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. There was no doubt that Emmett did something to my room.

I walked toward the door, each step echoing off the walls. I was in front of the door now, my hand stretched out to push open the door when suddenly…

Alice appeared out of no where and ripped off my shirt. I gasped in astonishment as she suddenly darted away.

_I'm sorry Edward, but this is for your own good. _That was Alice's farewell.

I stared after her retreating figure. My own good? What the hell?

I ran after her, my speed increased as my fury grew. This was unbelievable! Wasn't the first prank enough?

Alice disappeared inside her room. I smiled. Did she think that would stop me from catching up to her? I quickly zipped into the room, expecting Alice to be there, but she wasn't there.

The room was empty.

My eyes thoroughly scanned the room, but I didn't detect Alice, in fact, the room looked completely empty.

I let my guard down for a second, pondering this. I was so sure that Alice ran in here, so where was she?

Then suddenly the door slammed behind. That tore me out of my thoughts and I turned at the sound. There was Jasper grinning at me.

I heard footsteps behind and I turned again. There was Emmett and Alice advancing on me.

Oh crap! I fell into their trap again! I was getting ambushed!

I looked quickly for an escape; the windows were right behind Emmett and Alice. I would never be fast enough to get reach them. The only chance I had was the door.

I turned and lunged at Jasper, hoping he would get out of the way. His eyes widened and his smile grew when he saw what I was about to do. He braced himself for the impact.

CRASH! Our bodies impacted and made the sound of boulders falling. I tried to pull Jasper out of the way but now Emmett was behind me. His hands gripped my arms so I couldn't move them. I struggled against it, but my arms were trapped.

I glanced at Alice; her face was contorted in an evil grin as she held up her cosmetic bag. Comprehension suddenly dawned on me.

" Alice, please… Please… Don't do this to me." I begged, not caring if I sounded like a wimp.

Alice only shook her head. _Sorry, Edward, but this is for your own good. You've been feeling sexually repressed for a long time, and it's time you finally worked things through with a mate._

Crap. This is what they were doing. They were forcing me to find a mate with one of those crazy female vampires. DAMN! I FELL INTO THEIR TRAP AGAIN!!!

Jasper and Emmett carried me over to the chair. Their hands provided a strap so I couldn't escape. There was no escape.

Alice brought out eyeliner from Maybelline. I gasped in shock. No! No! Anything but this!

" Alice… Alice… Please!"

"Sorry Edward, but Esme is getting worried." Emmett chocked back his laughter.

"Yeah, she wants you find a mate. You want to make her happy don't you?" Jasper's shrieks of mirth were killing my ears.

"Stop being so masochistic, Edward. All you need to do to make Esme and yourself happy is to give in. This way you make everyone happy." This was Alice.

I squeezed my eyes shut. This is going to permanently scar my existence. I will never be able to live this down.

The last thing I saw was Alice's pale hand clutching the eyeliner; the horrid thing was heading for my face.


	4. Make over!

**I love writing this. Yeah, I know I am evil. Terribly sorry Edward! **

* * *

I hate Emmett. I hate Jasper, but I'm pretty sure I hate Alice more. The dreaded makeover was not quick; instead she made it excruciatingly long. She wanted to see me suffer; she wouldn't put me out of my misery.

"Remind me again why this is going to help me find a mate?" I said through clenched teeth, my eyes were still closed.

"Silly Edward. Didn't you figure it out yet? You're going to go on a date with Tanya, Irina, and Kate!" Alice giggled.

I gasped. If this was torture, then that date is going to be even more painful.

"We need to make you look all pretty so they would like you!" Alice continued. Emmett and Jasper started wheezing again.

Oh no… My family is evil.

We went through several makeovers, five in all. The first four Alice wanted to do for fun.

I had closed my eyes. I didn't want to see what Alice was doing to my face. However, I did feel Alice stabbing my face with all sorts of gooey substances. All the ointment she put on my face was like a mask; covering my whole face. It felt so uncomfortable; I wanted so badly to wipe it all off, but Emmett and Jasper were holding down my arms.

I had a feeling Alice forgot that an actual vampire was her guinea pig Barbie. She was turning into a mad scientist, and I was her experiment. Once I even heard her cackle like a mad man.

I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter. Please let it be done. Please let the horrible experience to be over.

And then at last, Alice stopped. I didn't feel any pressure on my face, except for the makeup.

"Okay, Edward! You can look now!" Alice chirped.

I felt Jasper and Emmett shake with silent laughter next to me. This was going to be bad…

I gingerly opened my eyes slowly, feeling that I was going to regret this. I took a quickly peek, then my eyes snapped open as I gasped in shock.

" Alice!" I moaned. "What did you do?!"

Emmett and Jasper couldn't hold in their laughter anymore. It suddenly burst out of their mouths as they cackled and chortled and snickered and did every type of laugh possible. I didn't blame them for cracking up like this. I would've laughed at my appearance too, except for the fact that it was I who was wearing all this gunk.

Alice had dyed my hair all black and put solid white pigment all over my face. She also had a bit too much fun with the eyeliner, for I now had huge black circles around my eyes.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there.

Instead of the usual lip color, Alice had colored my lips blue. She had also put a bunch of clip on earrings on my eye lids and my ears.

I looked like an emo, Goth person. The only thing I was missing was the morbid black clothing. I already had the death attitude; I was going to kill Alice.

Alice was now spiking my now black hair. I grimaced, and tried to move, but Emmett and Jasper still held me down securely. I wasn't going anywhere.

" Alice! You can't possibly expect me to go out in public like this!" I said through my teeth. I was going to kill two people today, let's just say Jasper and Rosalie won't be happy when they discover their mates are gone.

Alice laughed. "Don't be silly! This is just for fun! I always wanted to see how you looked as a Goth! Now I want to make you into a hobo, a girl, and a ninja! Then finally when I had all my fun I will make you presentable. Isn't this so much fun?!" She finished enthusiastically.

"Oh yeah, Alice. This is the best time of my life." I sneered sarcastically.

"I know! This is the best time of my life!" Emmett roared still laughing.

"I agree." Jasper composed his face, then burst out laughing again.

"Say CHEESE!" Alice said. A flash went off. Oh no… Alice took a picture!

"Give me the camera Alice!" I growled.

Alice giggled. "Not a chance! This picture belongs in the living room, where everyone can see it!"

I reached up to grab the camera, but my hands were still bound to the chair. I groaned. There wasn't I could do.

"Well then, let's make Edward into a nice and pretty little girl now!" Alice's grin was too big for her face. She looked very crazy at that moment.

Then once again, her hand reached for my face, ready to destroy it some more.

**----&---- **

The rest of the makeover was better… and worse. I didn't mind being dressed as a hobo. All you need was dirty clothes and smudges, but the girl was plain torture.

"Aw… Don't you look so pretty?" Alice cooed when she finished my third makeover, which was a girl.

Emmett was studying my face carefully.

"You know Edward? I think you should look like this forever! You look a lot better as a girl than a boy."

Jasper snickered. "And we need a new name for you too."

I didn't open my eyes yet. I didn't want to see what Alice did to me next…

Alice sighed. "Come on Edward, you don't look that bad."

When I didn't open my eyes she used her fingers to pry my eyes open.

Well, I didn't look as worse as I did when Alice did an emo look on me. In fact, to tell the truth, I really did look like a girl, and I wasn't recognizable. Alice gave me a bunch of hair extensions which I hope would come out, and the make up wasn't as gruesome as the other one. I had bubblegum pink lips and blue eye shadow, as well as mascara and all the works. Alice even added a bunch of silver glitter in my hair.

Alice tried to get me in one her black dresses, but as soon as Emmett and Jasper let go I dashed toward the door. I would've escaped, except Emmett and Jasper got to the door before me.

I groaned. When will it end? I was forced back onto the chair while Jasper and Emmett were arguing over my new name.

"How about Edlena?"

"Emmett! That's a dumb name!"

"Well, what do suggest Jasper, if you're so smart?"

"I dunno… Edwarda?"

"Jasper! That's even dumber!"

Alice sighed at the boys, then smiled at me.

"Time for the almost last makeover! Then we need to get you ready for your date!"

" Alice…" My voice was dangerous. "I'm not going on a date with Tanya, Irina, and Kate."

Alice frowned. "Yes you are, Edward. Esme is really worried about you. You can at least _try_ to find a mate rather then avoiding all the females here."

"No… Alice. I'm. Not. Going." My voice had a note of finality to it.

Alice looked dangerous now.

"If you don't go, then these three pictures," Alice pointed to the three shots of me as a goth, a hobo, and a girl. "Are going on the internet."

I blanched. I couldn't let Alice post those on the internet. They were too embarrassing!

I was about to reach for the pictures when I realized that Emmett and Jasper were still holding me down. DAMN!

I sighed. "Fine, Alice. Do whatever you want to me." Alice smiled.

"I always wanted to do a ninja makeover! I wonder if ninjas wear any makeup... Oh well! If they don't I'll add some! Make up makes everything better!"

I braced myself one last time. One more horrid fantasy make over, and I'll make my escape.

I'll grab the pictures and then run out on them as soon as Emmett and Jasper let go of me. They can't possibly hold me down the whole time?

Right?


End file.
